Sasha the Kid: “Maybe Clown Retro actually DOES have an Italian Bottom. I don’t know what clown pants look like in Italy!” You know what? I think she’s going to work out just fine as Indie Gamer Chick 2.0 some day.
When you have a roll-over target, I find it really helps that the target be, you know, what you aim at! The highest scoring element in Clown Retro are five roll-over lights that score 1,000 points once all five are lit. One little problem: the actual targets are not one-to-one with the lights on the table. Either that’s the problem or the targets aren’t sensitive enough, because we had moments literally every turn where the ball passed over the targets and didn’t light ’em. Not that it would save Clown. This is a table that lives down to the notion that pinball is a game of random luck. There’s too many chaos elements and no means to defend against them. It needed a lot more flippers just to rise to the level of BAD, but instead, the flippers are separated by the full length of the playfield. Combine that with the nightmare fuel art and the end result is Clown is Jerry Lewis is no longer responsible for the worst thing ever produced involving clowns. True story: Sasha didn’t get that joke at first. We explained it to her and her eyes got as wide as saucers and she said “yeah, no offense, but what you just described to me sounds a lot worse than a stupid pinball table.” Okay, fair. Oscar still thinks Matt’s rating of BADwas a practical joke. “It’s the ‘+’ that makes it suspect” he said, side-eyeing Matt. Everyone agreed multiball would have given the eyes SOME logical, high stakes shooting value. And, like so many Zacretros, this REALLY needed woodrail-style add-a-ball. Without that, there’s just no excitement. Clown is the definitive Plinko pin and one of the worst digital pins ever made. Set: Zaccaria – 40 Retro Tables
Table Type: Woodrail
Reworking of Hawaiian Beauty (1954 Gottlieb) Cathy:THE PITS (1 out of 5) Sasha The Kid: THE PITS Angela: THE PITS Oscar: THE PITS Jordi: THE PITS Dave: THE PITS
Matt: BAD+ (2 out of 5)
Dash: THE PITS Scoring Average: 1.125
Final Average: 1.0
💩Certified a Turd💩 by The Pinball Chick Team
🏆Jordi ranks #7 in 5 Ball Simulation
🏆Jordi ranks #7 in Time Loop Mode
🏆Cathy ranks #10 in Time Loop Mode
During our final run-through before posting this review, we each took a turn over-clocking the rollover, which after a value of 90 resets to 10 points. It would be nice if there were bonus points attached to this and not just a penalty for keeping the ball alive long enough to hit the target nine times. “Why not go wild and change the flippers to the seesaw kind from the lower playfield of Zen’s Ant Man?” asked Matt. Because that sounds too fun to Zacretros.
Circus Retro and Blackbelt Retro are cousins, though Circus takes a hard stance against trapping. Say what you will about Blackbelt, but rebounding is possible on it. Because the corner flippers have bumpers right on them, there’s no potential for defense. The ball is a hot coal that you’re tossing back and forth until you’re able to pop it up into the bumper field. Dave and Angela’s argument against THE PITS is that, unlike Blackbelt, there’s actual shooting angles that allow you to get the ball up above the bumpers to start a scoring sequence, and Angela adds that charging the bumper value with the central rollover target isn’t impossible. “The middle flippers have a safe backhand angle to charge the bumpers, so this isn’t COMPLETELY Plinko” was her sole argument against THE PITS, plus the fact that we played this more than any other table that scored under a 2.0. Meanwhile, Matt apparently found a safe pop-up angle, but none of the rest of us were able to locate it. Angela and Matt stunned us (especially Oscar, who’s beside himself) by defending this just enough to block it from all-time dumpster fire status, but the rest of us think the Circus left town. Set: Zaccaria – 40 Retro Tables
Table Type: Woodrail Cathy: THE PITS Sasha The Kid: THE PITS+ Angela: BAD Oscar: THE PITS Jordi: THE PITS+ Dave: THE PITS
Matt: BAD
Dash: THE PITS Scoring Average: 1.25
Final Average: 1.16
💩Certified a Turd💩 by The Pinball Chick Team Cathy ranks #3 in 3 Ball Arcade – Post Update Highest Score Cathy ranks #5 in 5 Ball Arcade Oscar ranks #5 in 5 Ball Simulation – Post Update Highest Score Cathy ranks #2 in 90 Second Mode – Post Update Highest Score Cathy ranks #1 in Time Loop Mode – Undisputed World Champion
Matt on Cine Star Retro: The closed-off layout is too easy. It doesn’t use all of the space, the drop targets inexplicably don’t stay down and are worth an increasingly inflated value, and the saucer drops the ball into the drain in simulation. But, this table is actually controllable and fun to shoot. Why not open up the top with another bumper and two more lanes? Then switch the spot targets with the drop targets.
The first of thirteen tables added to the infamous Retro pack in the year 2025 is, for all intents and purposes, shooting school. There’s no outlanes or slingshots, and besides a slightly enlarged drain, no antagonistic elements or angles. The only defensive aspect of the table is that the rails have a tendency to run fast. Hey, schools make kids run, right? But grabbing rebounds in Cine Star Retro is a cinch since you get to set the terms with minimum chaos. So what’s the point of the table? The five drop targets and eight spot targets are set along common angles that makes this an ideal table to quickly teach players both a shooter’s stroke AND conversion shots. Angela, Oscar, and Dash couldn’t get over the lack of stakes, but Cathy and Sasha enjoyed the scoring system’s progressive values of the drop targets and Jordi loved the lack of vacuum outlanes and the uncluttered, wide-open playfield. “What’s not to love?” Jordi said, though Oscar especially was annoyed by the lack of risk/reward. Our biggest knock is an undervalued kickhole that’s not worth the risk, but this wasn’t the disaster Dave predicted when he first saw it. Set: Zaccaria – 40 Retro Tables
Table Type: Sharpshooter Cathy: GOOD (3 out of 5) Sasha The Kid: GOOD – Angela: BAD (2 out of 5) Oscar: BAD Jordi: GREAT – (4 out of 5)
Dave: GOOD
Matt: GOOD –
Dash: BAD Scoring Average: 2.75 – GOOD
Final Average: 2.66 – OKAY
A Pinball Chick Team 🥶POLARIZINGTABLE🥶 Jordi ranks #3 in 3 Ball Simulation – Post Update Highest Score Matt ranks #4 in 5 Ball Arcade – Post Update Highest Score Sasha the Kid Ranks #5 in 5 Ball Arcade Cathy ranks #2 in 5 Ball Simulation (Former Record Holder) Jordi ranks #8 in Time Loop – Post Update Highest Score
Matt on Black Belt: A table with this theme should be an expression of fighting discipline and mastery (even a retro one) and not random bouncing and frenzied flipping. The 6 drains and the opportunity to flip the ball straight into the underside of the other raised flipper do not commend this table to me. I would add at least two upper flippers, straighten out the middle flippers, and replace much of the upper playfield bumpers with rollover targets and drop targets like boards to break or throw things at.
When the most satisfying aspect of a table is getting on a lucky bounce parade that no amount of nudging is going to be all that helpful with, it’s probably a bad table. It’s only because there’s no slingshots to block a rebound against the wall that the BADvoters didn’t send Blackbelt to THE PITS. But the shooting angles to reach the bumpers are too tight and you’re still going to need lucky bounces to get the ball above the bumpers, which is where the points are scored. Finally, we weren’t fans of having one lit outlane that scores 1,000 points. If it scored 1,000 points and gave you another ball, that would be one thing, but these Zaccaria retro tables are really stingy about extra balls. Which is odd because add-a-ball style games are a hallmark of this era. They could probably add a full point to the scoring averages of most of these tables with that add-a-ball. Anyway, Black Belt is pretty damn terrible. Set: Zaccaria – 40 Retro Tables
Table Type: Woodrail Cathy: BAD (2 out of 5) Sasha The Kid: THE PITS (1 out of 5) Angela: BAD Oscar: BAD Jordi: BAD Dave: THE PITS
Matt: THE PITS
Dash: THE PITS Scoring Average: 1.5 – Very Bad Final Average: 1.5 – Very Bad
This is our first time using Matt’s +/- idea for ratings. They don’t affect scores at all but rather let readers know if it’s closer to the next rating or the rating under it. Originally I was going to post a massive Zaccaria Retro feature but instead, we’re going to release these in a trickle.
And, because the full eight-person team is here, we’re using Olympic style scoring. The highest rating and lowest rating are not factored into the Final Rating.
AEROBATICS RETRO
Dave the Designer on Aerobatics Retro: Shame about the saucers. Aside from those targets and the top pops being a little far down, everything about Aerobatics Retro is in an appropriate place for the time period. It’s a proper ‘retro’ that’s done its homework and deserves props for it. If they adjusted the eject angles, this might be a winner.
We’ve already reviewed the AtGames Legend build of Aerobatics Retro. The updated Steam build benefits from having a variety of physics options (not to mention tables like this were meant to be played with five balls, not three. Someone please get that memo to MagicPixel and AtGames). Also, we all seem to agree that the saucers don’t seem to dump the ball between the flippers as often. Actually, the right saucer never did it once. Oh, the left saucer still did it enough to Angela that she’s still dumping it in THE PITS. (Dave to Angela: “wait a second, aren’t you the one who defends Jack*Bot?”) Actually, it was pretty funny. In four separate first-to-three duels, Angela only won a single game the entire time, but that one game she won, she set the world record for Aerobatics Retro on 5 Ball Arcade. She basically did it the same way Matt got #2 in 3 Ball Arcade, IE the ball fell into the saucers. So they fell ass-backwards into records. The lack of shooting angles and nearly impossible to defend-against slingshots still shoot down this plane, though Oscar and Jordi felt that there’s SOME satisfaction to be had in the chaotic rebounding. “I think three jet shapes and a slightly wider lane on each side to get back to the top would have been a better layout” said Matt. Hard to disagree. Set: Zaccaria – 40 Retro Tables
Table Type: Woodrail
Cathy: THE PITS (1 out of 5) Sasha The Kid: THE PITS Angela: THE PITS Oscar: BAD+ (2 out of 5) Jordi: BAD Dave: BAD
Matt: BAD+
Dash: BAD + Scoring Average: 1.65 – BAD
Final Average: 1.6 – BAD
🏆Angela ranks #1 in 5 Ball Arcade – Undisputed World Champion
🏆Matt ranks #2 in 3 Ball Arcade – Post Update Highest Score
🏆Cathy ranks #4 in 90 Second Mode – Post Update Highest Score
🏆Jordi ranks #1 in Time Loop Mode – Undisputed World Champion
Grimm Tales First Released February 16, 2023 Main Platform: Pinball FX Switch Platform: NOT RELEASED ON SWITCH Designed by Zoltan ’Pazo’ Pataki Stand Alone Release ($4.99)
Okay, so using a gigantic castle placed in the center of a table isn’t exactly original. But don’t mistake this as a Medieval Madness wannabe. This is a fantastic original table.
Think of Grimm as being the unholy offspring of Medieval Madness and Tales of the Arabian Nights. The layout borrows heavily from Medieval Madness, maybe a little too closely. Oscar really thought it was just a touch too derivative, and not just because of the castle. Both the left and right long orbits feel very close to MM’s side shots and are such a cinch to shoot and spoon-feed the bumpers that tying a multiball just to them he thinks might have been foolish. I don’t disagree with him about the layout, either, but there’s plenty of effort to make it feel different as well. The ultra-steep damsel ramp has no evil twin in Grimm Tales. Instead, the game utilizes two very tough but fairly well-done toe shots for the gingerbread house (which lights modes) and Magic Mirror. The castle includes new angles as well, including a deceptively tricky “sneak around the back” shot that’s actually the REAL driver of the table, acting as both the mode start and extra ball shot. This is a table that has a lot of very fun shots, and while the ramps share similar placement as Madness, they don’t feel like the ramps on that table. The flow load is completely different.
Signature Shots – The Castle: Grimm Tales’ castle is four shots in one. The table’s driver is in a tiny orbit just left of the castle, and is also the extra ball shot. The gate switches which mode is lit and is always the final shot to end any mode. The two gatehouses act as ball locks for Crystal Multiball and might be too easy to hit, but there’s an inspired twist to that. The locks are still active when you actually start the multiball, and NOT locking a ball doubles the value of jackpots, adding a layer to ball management that we all thought was very clever. That was the part that sealed Sasha’s MASTERPIECEvote when she couldn’t decide which way she was going.One of the “ANGRY MODE” effects. You’re lucky if you get this one.
The Tales of the Arabian Nights DNA is in the modes. Each mode is based on a fairy tale instead of an Arabian Night, but they’re all relatively short. So short that it’s kind of surprising for a Zen table. Plus, most of the modes are actually a lot of fun. The problem is not every angle is. The “grandmother’s house” bat flipper pathways are maddening to shoot (see the caption below), and the Snow White mode uses the bumpers, which are overvalued in a table with THIS easy of access to them. The easiest extra ball to light is done by juicing the end of ball bonus to past 10x. In our duel, not a single Vice missed that EB in any game. Otherwise, the modes are punchy and rewarding, along with a pair of multiballs that are quick to activate and can be used to finish the modes. I also like the concept of being able to charge-up the table’s score via T-A-L-E lights, which could potentially multiply your score by 2.4x the playfield values. Not after the ball, mind you. DURING PLAY! That’s bold.
Signature Mode – Little Red Riding Hood: as unlikely as it seems, this short little shot is the hardest in the game. Nobody could get a feel for it, but if you’re going to miss, miss late instead of early. Just under the path is a hidden Ritchie Loop that gives you another crack at the shot. Neat. Not neat, and in fact one of the most annoying features on the table, is that in the Little Red Riding Hood mode, the ball is held over the flipper for far too long. “Slow pitch softball” is what Oscar called it, and he HATED it. Cussed a blue streak every time. Angela said “I’m never teasing the dogs by holding the ball too long when we play fetch ever again.” None of us hated the shots. On their own, as part of the Crystal Multiball? They’re fine. Tough, but we like tough. The delay before serving the ball in the Red Riding Hood mode? Well, it didn’t cause Dad or me to drop our score by itself, but we were certainly thinking about it when we voted GREATinstead of MASTERPIECE. It’s so bad that it feels almost like a glitch left in the game. It happens on the lower shot too.
VUKs that aim for the tip of the flippers? Not so much bold as it is annoying, but at least the physics are good enough to be able to clock the throw and take control of the ball. Actually, this is one of the rare Pinball FX tables that doesn’t feel like it’s specifically trying to prevent ball control, which is why I think the Vices all liked it so much. I’d even say Grimm would make a great trainer table, except one thing: the table seemingly randomly enters “Angry Mode” that screws with the physics or visibility of the ball. One of the “curses” is having a very strong wind push the ball to the left. I’m almost never a fan of screwing with live balls using video game physics. There’s also a witch who flies over the playfield during multiball modes and it’s so distracting. Don’t let any of that turn you off of trying Grimm, though. It’s one of the best stand alone pins you can get for FX and easily worth the $4.99 asking price. There’s a LOT to like about this table, and for some of us, it does enough to reach elite status.
For me, it’s GREATbut just short of the upper echelon. Jordi and Dash were frustrated by the stop-and-go nature of the table and the distracting ANGRY MODE and photo-bombing witch, which are also the reasons I didn’t vote MASTERPIECE. Oscar didn’t because he thought it didn’t have any stand-out shots. It was two kids who really loved it, (but don’t mistake this for a kids table, as both Angela and Sasha are highly skilled pinballers). Sasha was just barely MASTERPIECE, almost agreeing with Oscar that the lack of transcendent shots hurt, but the shot selection and heavy emphasis on flexible strategy won her over. Meanwhile, Angela said Grimm Tales was second only to Battle of Mimban as her favorite Zen original. “Maybe there’s more balanced tables or tables with better shots, but Grimm is just fun. It’s everything I love about pinball and isn’t afraid to be silly. Originally I felt bad giving it MASTERPIECE, but if I had more fun with it than some tables where I did vote that way, why can’t I? It does offer everything pros love, too. Maybe not as well as other top tier pins, fine, so don’t play it for flow. Don’t play it as a test of your skills either, even though it offers that as well. Play it to remind you that pinball is a game and games are supposed to be fun!” Cathy: GREAT (4 out of 5)
Sasha the Kid: MASTERPIECE (5 out of 5) Angela: MASTERPIECE Oscar: GREAT Jordi: GOOD (3 out of 5) Dash: GOOD Matthew: GOOD Scoring Average: 3.85
Scoring Average: 3.8 📜CERTIFIED EXCELLENT📜
Dr. Dude and His Excellent Ray First Released August 29, 1990 Zen Build Released October 20, 2020
Main Platform: Pinball FX Designed by Dennis Nordman Conversion by Zoltan Vari Set: Williams Pinball Collection 2 ($23.99)
Links: Internet Pinball Database Listing – Strategy Guide – Pinball FX Wiki
Sasha looked at me like my head was on backwards when she found out I rated the Pinball Arcade version “MASTERPIECE.” I’m not doing a bit here for comedy. She thought we were kidding. “THIS table? Dr. Dude? You think THIS is a top tier table? Maybe it’s better when the physics don’t kick the ball out of the Mix Master after a couple bumps, but even then, a MASTERPIECEshould be reserved for a table with flexible strategies. Dr. Dude doesn’t have that except for the order you check off the three main shots to light the mix master. The shots are fun, so I could see going GREAT, but this isn’t a MASTERPIECE, ever.” Everyone else and Dave backed her up. You’re all wrong and I’m right so pooey to you.
Much like the Pinball FX 3 version, Dr. Dude still features a ball that could go straight down the drain off a plunge. No ball save. The awesome series of sequence shots is hard to appreciate when you don’t even get a swing at the ball. It’s why Dr. Dude and his Excellent Ray is one of the few Pinball FX tables where I still prefer the now decade-old Pinball Arcade release. It’s just more forgiving, with a nudge that’s much better at defending against this type of thing. This isn’t a table for the faint of heart, with brutal difficulty and hair-raising angles. Oh, and the Dude-o-Meter doesn’t carry over between games, so you can’t even hit the Gazillion Point Shot unless you start the multiball five times in one game, an especially tough task for a table this heartless, with a key shot (the Magnetic Personality) that isn’t easy to lock onto.
Having recently played a real Dr. Dude AND the Pinball Arcade version, I was reminded of how fun Dr. Dude can be. It’s one of my favorite underrated tables. But on Pinball FX, the Mix Master is significantly less likely to hold a ball. A reminder that, as much as we admire Zen Studios, the engine for Pinball FX is lousy. Sorry, it just is. Real tables do not behave this way, and it wasn’t rare to have the ball pass through it doing only a single bump per shot. The physics are just too heavy whether you play classic, pro, or arcade.
The good news is Dr. Dude still has one of the best “awesome shot” to “meh shot” ratios of any alpha-numeric table. Nobody can ever accuse it of being boring. The key shots that actually matter are too exciting for that. Do you know what Dr. Dude reminds me of? An old, dependable car that puts up a fight when you turn on the ignition. The tricky part is just getting it started. Once you do, you know it’ll get you where you need to be. Once you find your rhythm in Dr. Dude, you’re in for one of the most satisfying pins of the late alpha-numeric era, where every shot, and even the act of trapping the ball, is rewarding. Despite being one of the few times Zen didn’t handily defeat the efforts of Farsight doesn’t matter all that much. Dr. Dude is still really good. We’re giving it an award and everything! But it’s a table I’m willing to rate MASTERPIECEand accept all the eye rolls in the world for, and I can’t for this build. It’s just not the best digital build modern gaming technology can do. Or 2010’s technology, for that matter. Cathy: GREAT (4 out of 5)
Sasha the Kid: GOOD (3 out of 5) Angela: GOOD Oscar: GREAT
Jordi: GREAT Dash: GREAT
Dave: GOOD (Played on Nintendo Switch)
Elias: GOOD (Played on Nintendo Switch)
Primary Scoring Average: 3.66 CERTIFIED EXCELLENT
Nintendo Switch Average: 3.5 🧹CLEAN SCORECARD🧹
Some review copies were provided in this review, others were paid for.
The solid state version of Primal Carnage shoots well enough, we suppose. What limited targets are here work. So, why were we so bored playing it? We were all sort of taken back by how subdued PCSS is. It’s not exactly a dynamic table. Honestly, we didn’t expect Magic Pixel would ever make anything this rudimentary again. The Taito tables kind of felt like the last hurrah for that. Guess we were wrong. This has no modes. It has no multiball. It gives the appearance of two distinct forms of gameplay: humans or dinosaurs. You pick one or the other at the start of each ball. Dinosaurs have to kill 100 humans, while humans have to inflict 10,00 hit points on dinosaurs. In reality, both have the same targets and the same requirements.
Both outlanes can be defended via old school Zaccaria outlane flippers. On a more thrilling table, these would be welcome. Here, it’s just another feature for a table that feels like it didn’t come from a place of genuine inspiration. Here’s hoping the other two Primal Carnage pins do better.
The math for each option appears different, but each requires the same amount of shots on the same targets. The object is just to repetitively grind shots until a counter reaches zero, then do it again with the opposite characters. Completing a cycle earns you an extra ball, and if you can do it twice (and we were never able to) it scores 50,000 points. This type of pick ‘n flick gameplay can work, but not with shots this boring or haphazardly laid out. The locker is particularly annoying, as it’s too easy to drain a ball in the locker’s sinkhole without actually lighting it, which requires all three drop targets to fall. The table’s signature, three different swinging targets, are too risky without proper value to be worthwhile. Primal Carnage SS’ gameplay is fossilized. Stand Alone Table ($6 for HD, $7 for 4K) Type: Zaccaria Solid State Model Vice Family High: Angela “ADV” 71,130 (Top 20) Sasha the Kid: BAD (2 out of 5) Cathy: BAD Angela: BAD Oscar: BAD Scoring Average: 2.0 – BAD
It’s one of the most visually-striking tables EVER. The “sequel” is just the same table with the same playfield art. Only the backglass has been changed. It would be like if people paid to see Empire Strikes Back, and they just replayed A New Hope, but hey, the poster was different so it counts, right? One of the strangest cases of giving any gaming property sequel numbering in history.
Centaur is a favorite of Cathy’s and she genuinely does not get why everyone else isn’t on-board with her MASTERPIECErating. The O-R-B-S targets, which awards a two-ball multiball for shooting in sequence, are some of the absolute best drop targets ever. She gets no arguments from the rest of us there. But, there just isn’t much else. The capture ball and happy trail aren’t that excitingly placed or implemented. None of us are arguing this is bad or even boring. We all enjoy Centaur. We’re giving it an award. But this isn’t even a particularly well-crafted virtual port. Angela crashed a four player game (it IS always Angela) that had a family high pace, but other four player games suffered failures as well.
The open outlanes are sloppily coded at best, often needing a virtual assist that makes it look like the ball Shadowcats through the structure. It breaks the illusion of reality, something the open outlanes featured in Magic Pixel’s Zaccaria tables never needed to do to work. However, it’s mostly because, as well shooting as it is, there’s just not enough great shots to elevate this to the Pantheon. It’s not that we can’t enjoy simplicity. Angela and Sasha both give Gorgar MASTERPIECEstatus and Oscar wants to be buried with his Firepower table. This ain’t no Gorgar or Firepower, though. Cathy is just plain wrong. DELISTED
Type: Solid State – Numeric Display Based on Centaur by Bally (1981) Designer: Jim Patla Vice Family High: Cathy “IGC” 3,343,120* Cathy: MASTERPIECE Sasha The Kid: GREAT Angela: GOOD Oscar: GREAT Scoring Average: 4.0 – Awarded a CERTIFICATE OF EXCELLENCE *Angela was shooting at a much higher pace when the game died.
More Pinball FX versus The Pinball Arcade on Nintendo Switch. Remember, the TPA version was listed for only a matter of minutes on April 6, 2018 before being immediately delisted. Did you miss out? In the case of Attack From Mars, no, you did not. Even a very imperfect version of AFM by Zen Studios is preferable to it. This is a special feature, but consider it our definitive Attack From Mars FX on Switch review and remember this does not apply to Pinball FX on other platforms. Read that review.
ATTACK FROM MARS
PINBALL FX FOR NINTENDO SWITCH
Thoughts of a Designer with Dave Sanders: “Experience Attack From Mars for just five minutes and you’ll understand why Brian Eddy keeps coming back to the same ‘two-flipper fan with one big center feature’ style more often than not with relatively minor differences each time. Because it WORKS. This intuitive, easy-to-learn, hard-to-master formula was lightning in a bottle and Eddy is loathe to let that go (and if he doesn’t use it, George Gomez will). Collectors – the primary cash-cow for pinball manufacturers these days – scoff at this as they’re always chasing the next new thing that, as far as they’re concerned, needs to be ‘bigger’ than the last. But instead of blaming Stern for being ‘lazy’, maybe blame Attack From Mars instead for just having been that good in the first place.”
Attack From Mars isn’t exactly a favorite for dueling in our family. We can’t beat Angela unless she has an unfathomable off-day, and frankly, even those tend to end with her getting pissed and leaving us in a smoking crater (what she did to us on the Pinball Arcade version will go down in family lore). But, Angela has questions about this version. “Are you sure the sample table they used to simulate Attack From Mars actually used a pinball made of stainless steel and not a round, unusually reflective rock?” Angela calls it “Boulder Balling” while Cathy says it’s more like the ball behaves like a beach ball partially filled with water. It has a lopsided bounce to it around the flipper zone. In fairness, that weird bouncing usually helps players to avoid the outlanes and makes rebounding a cinch. And that makes us wonder if that’s why it’s there. What if their engine turned the outlanes into Galactus and they had to add the wobble to correct it? Oh, and why does the right flipper just randomly release when you’re holding the button down? It’s not a constant thing, but it does happen. Angela, already furious that Zen Studios removed the replay extra ball (yea, WTF is up with that?!), argued for Attack From Mars to be declared OUT OF ORDER, but the vote must be unanimous and it wasn’t, so she gave it a rating of GOOD. Bit of a mixed message, but Sasha and Cathy dropped their ratings in solidarity. Attack From Mars FX on Switch needs a ton of work that we imagine won’t arrive until the Switch 2 hits. No rush. It’s only one of the most popular tables and a main reason people download FX. Set: Williams Pinball Volume 2 ($9.99) Type: Solid State – Dot-Matrix Display Based on Attack From Mars by Bally (1995) Designer: Brian Eddy Conversion: Thomas Crofts Duel Winner: Angela Cathy: GREAT Sasha the Kid: GREAT Angela: GOOD Oscar: MASTERPIECE Dave: MASTERPIECE
Elias: PENDING Scoring Average: 4.2 – Awarded a Certificate of Excellence FX Difference: 0.8 Lower TPA Difference: 1.2 Higher
THE PINBALL ARCADE ON NINTENDO SWITCH ATTACK FROM MARS COMPARISON
Pinball FX
The Pinball Arcade
We were dueling, which was foolhardy to begin with because Angela hasn’t lost a match of Attack From Mars in years. But, something weird was happening: Cathy was winning the game going into the third ball. Angela barely had a billion points at the start of her final ball and would have lost when it drained, but she had already earned the pity ball. And then Sasha just had to open her big yap. This really happened.
Sasha: Wow, Angela got the pity ball. Maybe we should only duel at this version. We might have a chance at beating her.
(Angela turns around looking livid, then turns back around and begins shooting conservatively.)
Oscar: You just had to open your mouth.
Cathy: Yea, what the hell, Sasha? Look at her face now!
Sasha: Whoops.
(After close to thirty minutes of watching in horror as Angela plays like an old lady counting change at the checkout stand, Angela rules the universe, then she plunges the next ball, turns around, drops the controller and lays the remaining game down with a score of 28,795,002,880 as she stares us down with madness in her eyes, then flips us the bird and walks out of the room like a boss.)
Oscar: Way to go, Sasha.
Cathy: Yeah, thanks a ton, Sasha. I was winning that game.
Sasha: My bad………… that was fire, though.
Oscar & Cathy: Indeed.
Angela ruled the universe despite this being a miserable table that, frankly, was nearly broken. Before Angela did, well, Angela things, none of us could get anything going on Attack From Mars TPA Switch. We were getting rejected on every angle, assuming the ball even made it that far up at all. Usually, it just sort of lobbed into the middle of the midfield. The flippers have NO punching power and the ball is even floatier than most tables. We strongly suspect many of the 60+ delisted pins we’ll be covering in these features are actually unfinished prototypes that never got fine-tuning and were submitted for content approval and not for actual listing. It would explain why the gravity was so wrong, even for TPA. However, before going to press, Cathy discovered that the table plays much better in the standard view. If she could have gotten a super combo, she might have even beaten Angela’s high score. Of course, the only reason to want the Switch version is for the ease of setting up the table view, so this defeats the point.
We can honestly say this is the worst version of Attack From Mars we’ve played, ever. Hands down. Angela came to believe that seal clapping increased the strength of both flippers, but shots off the flippers often gained no speed. She only put up the score she did by playing catch-set-shoot, and then she had to change the camera at the last second to finish the wizard mode. “Bad as it is, the angles are right.” So, it has that going for it. The funny thing is, the worst version of Attack From Mars still further cements how amazing this table is. A version with the wrong gravity and crippled flippers still is fun enough and well designed enough to score straight GOODratings from us. Sure, that’s an astonishing drop of two full points, but it’s also the final proof needed that Attack From Mars must be the perfect pinball table if such a terrible port can still be fun. DELISTED Type: Solid State – Dot-Matrix Display Based on Attack From Mars by Bally (1995) Designer: Brian Eddy Vice Family High: Angela “ADV” 28,795,002,880 Cathy: GOOD Sasha The Kid: GOOD Angela: GOOD Oscar: GOOD Scoring Average: 3.0 – Awarded a CLEAN SCORECARD
THE VOTES
attack from mars
Cathy: Pinball FX Sasha the Kid: Pinball FX Angela: Pinball FX Oscar: Pinball FX Unanimous Decision: Pinball FX wins 4 – 0
Set: Zaccaria – 40 Retro Tables
Set: 
Cathy ranks #3 in 3 Ball Arcade – 
Set: 
Set: 
Set: 
Grimm Tales
Cathy: 
Dr. Dude and His Excellent Ray
Cathy: 
CERTIFIED EXCELLENT
The solid state version of Primal Carnage shoots well enough, we suppose. What limited targets are here work. So, why were we so bored playing it? We were all sort of taken back by how subdued PCSS is. It’s not exactly a dynamic table. Honestly, we didn’t expect Magic Pixel would ever make anything this rudimentary again. The Taito tables kind of felt like the last hurrah for that. Guess we were wrong. This has no modes. It has no multiball. It gives the appearance of two distinct forms of gameplay: humans or dinosaurs. You pick one or the other at the start of each ball. Dinosaurs have to kill 100 humans, while humans have to inflict 10,00 hit points on dinosaurs. In reality, both have the same targets and the same requirements.
Set: 
DELISTED
The Pinball Chick 
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